Four Seasons

365 days ago I made the decision to eliminate alcohol from my life. The decision had already been made countless times before. But on this day, I drew a line in the sand and knew that I would never cross over it again. There had been periods of time in the past where I had stopped drinking but I had never before surrendered to the fact that I could NEVER drink alcohol again. My last drinks were pretty mundane. A couple glasses of chardonnay. There was no massive hangover. No dancing on tabletops. No rock bottom, whatever that is suppose to mean. I was just tired. Tired of the shame and self deprecating thoughts. Tired of the emotional rollercoaster that comes with trying to moderate something you know deep down you will never be able to moderate. Tired of being angry that I could not be that woman who had all her shit together. TIRED. The amount of brain space that alcohol was consuming (no pun intended) was overwhelming. My brain had been hijacked for a long time and I was ready to take it back.

Eliminating the alcohol proved to be the easier part of the past 365 days. I say easier because it was by no means easy. But once it was gone, I was able to recognize the work that really had to be done and uncover the reasons why, for so long, I had felt the need to play a supporting role in my life. Self worth, social anxiety, fear. I had to learn ways to manage these things so alcohol was no longer the solution. Ironically, living sober actually has very little to do with alcohol. It’s about finding and using the tools necessary to be fully present in your life. The good, the bad, the painful, the beautiful; all of it. And for me, that is only possible by not drinking. Dawn Nickel, co-founder of SheRecovers, recently read a definition of recovery on the bubble hour. It perfectly summarizes what my ultimate goal of removing alcohol from my life was (and is).

“Recovery is a process of change through which individuals improve their health and wellness, live a self-directed life, and strive to reach their full potential.”

I have learned this year that there are so may different ways to recover. It’s not a linear path. We are all different, yet our stories are what unite us and will ultimately heal us. When I look back on the past year I can divide it into four “seasons”. Each season had its challenges and rewards and lessons learned. My journey in recovery and striving for my full potential is far from over, but I hope by sharing my story, someone else might be able to heal a little. These are my first seasons in recovery.

Winter

There is no way to describe what early sobriety feels like to someone who has never experienced it. Raw. Fragile. Exposed. I was unprepared for the range of emotions and physical exhaustion that those first few months brought. Like a bear in winter, I hibernated. I napped. I napped A LOT. I realize now that my body was in total shock and was just trying to cope with all the changes that were taking place. I also cried, A LOT. If my dog looked at me the wrong way, I cried. Burnt dinner, I cried. Every single episode of This Is Us, I cried. But something else also happened during these “winter” months. I found my tribe. I discovered a whole online community that would become my lifeline to maintaining my sobriety.

The first time I posted in a secret Facebook group introducing myself, I received an instantaneous welcoming (I cried). It was as if I had been holding my breath without even realizing it and could finally exhale. Podcasts became my new best friend. I listened to them while running, while in the car, while cooking dinner, while going to sleep. My earbuds became a constant accessory. The bubble hour, home, edit your life; every time I heard someone tell their story, I healed just a little bit more.

These winter months were also a period of mourning. Yes, you read that right, mourning. My relationship with alcohol had been a long and complicated one. It had been my best friend and worst enemy and saying goodbye to it forever required a grieving process.

“No one ever told me that grief felt so like fear.” -C.S. Lewis

I was petrified of what my life would look like without my constant companion. How would I ever celebrate another holiday, go on vacation, attend my daughter’s wedding (my daughter is not even engaged ). How would I ever have fun again. I honestly did not think it would be possible. There is a saying that truly resonated with me, “until the fear of remaining the same becomes greater than the fear of change, you will remain the same.” Although I was grieving and scared, my fear of remaining in my own personal groundhogs day was far greater than resigning myself to living a life of monotony.

It was also suddenly my personal mission to save the world from the evils of alcohol, IMMEDIATELY! We live in a society where drinking is not only accepted but it is celebrated. Every commercial, advertisement or Facebook meme I saw showcasing drinking I took as a personal affront to my sobriety. The alcohol industry was obviously out to sabotage me. I referred to alcohol as ethanol and anyone who took place in its consumption was literally poisoning themselves. As you can imagine, I was a real joy to be around during these winter months. It’s a good thing I was in hibernation.

Spring

Reaching 100 days was exhilarating! Not everyone counts days but I thrive on it. I tend to be an all or nothing person which is why moderation was such a disaster for me (that and the fact that I was addicted to alcohol). In my mind, if you’re having 1 glass of chardonnay, why not just finish the entire bottle.

Having survived through my first holiday season, I was feeling like a sobriety superhero. My energy levels had skyrocketed and I no longer needed a daily nap to make it through the day. Spring had sprung!!!! I was also learning to use a powerful new word, “NO”. My ego was taking a backseat, the world would not come to a screeching halt if I did not attend every event I was invited to. In fact, no-one would probably even notice. What I was noticing, however, was that it wasn’t just holidays that alcohol revolved around. It was pretty much anything and everything. I’m not sure I liked this new hypersensitivity to all things alcohol. Over time it might mellow out, or maybe it won’t. But for now my body is on high alert and I can’t help but cringe when I see invites for yoga and mimosas or when the reward for finishing a 5k is a ticket to the beer tent.

This was a season of reawakening, getting reacquainted with myself. I felt a sudden urgency for authenticity. Real authenticity. I’m sure I shocked more than a few people with my sudden revelations and postings. There is a level of honesty that comes with shedding a layer of skin that we have built up over the years and used as a barrier between ourselves and the world. Once I became honest with myself, it was impossible not to be open and honest in every other aspect of my life. It’s as if the universe was propelling me into alignment so that my insides finally matched up with my outsides. This left me super vulnerable and at times I was tempted to return to my winter hibernation but it also awakened something that had been asleep for a long time, ME! I had been on autopilot for so long I was clueless about who “me” really was and now I was ready to find out.

Summer

You would assume that by this point, half a year in, I would have this sobriety thing figured out. But actually, it feels quite the opposite. I am feeling anxious and more than a little lost. The excitement and energy I felt throughout “spring” has faded. I am trying to figure out my place in this new world of sobriety. The term “alcoholic” really doesn’t resonate with me. In fact, it really pisses me off at the moment. I’ve been trying to understand why and I think it’s because that term, and more importantly the stigma attached to that term, kept me drinking for a long time. I didn’t identify as an alcoholic and, it sounds ridiculous to me now, but if you’re not an alcoholic, why stop drinking. Comparison is such a dangerous road to go down. In the end, its not about how much you are drinking that matters but how it is making you feel. If it’s not making you feel good, then stop doing it. It sounds so simple. But of course it’s not. Reading everything I could get my hands on regarding addiction and how alcohol impacts our neurotransmitters has helped me comprehend the complexity of the issue. Especially when it comes to gray area drinking. There is a whole spectrum that lies between abstinence and alcoholic and it’s in this area that most people find themselves. Jolene Park has a brilliant TedTalk on this subject and I can’t thank her enough for the work that she is doing to bring awareness to this topic..

Fall

The past few months I have felt a shift. A change in the weather. Fall has always been my favorite season and this season in sobriety is no different. I feel firmly planted but my leaves are definitely changing. I have taken back the lead role in my life. It may not be an oscar worthy performance but it’s mine. I am learning that what other people choose to label me is none of my business. I am trying to practice patience (emphasis on trying). I don’t have to have everything in my life figured out, some things I can just let unfold. My role as a mom leaves me trying to fix everything and some things just don’t have an immediate solution.

Sobriety has given me what every glass of chardonnay never could; self-confidence, a belief in myself that I am enough. Sure I still get social anxiety at times, mostly because I really suck at small talk. My life did not suddenly become all rosy pink. These days it’s more like a weather forecast. Some days are all sunshine, some are cloudy and every once in awhile there is a thunderstorm. The thing is, I no longer fear those thunderstorms and I’ve got the umbrella ready when they do come, most of the time.

So what do my future seasons look like? I’m not sure. I know I would like to play a role in changing the language surrounding addiction and recovery. In the words of Hannah Gadsby, “Hindsight is a gift.” I plan on using this gift for good.

Originally published at arunatatime.com on August 28, 2018.